Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
