don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
