Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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