i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
