yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
