What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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