I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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