Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
