i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
