I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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