The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
