you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
