When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I will pee on everything he values.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
