I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
