the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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