Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I did not marry a roomba.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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