Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
