I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
