Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
