Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
