ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
