worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
