Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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