Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Let's paint friendship bongs
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
