we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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