I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just had sex bonerless
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
