yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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