It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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