did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
