you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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