Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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