By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
