Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
