i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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