Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
