trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
