I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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