allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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