Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
