I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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