My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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