How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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