she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
