I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
