how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
