I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
