He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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