3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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