You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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