Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
