i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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